Boris Johnson

3 Apr
Boris Johnson

Boris Johnson

This week, Boris Johnson was on BBC Question Time to talk about how the world is going to shit. Each week on QT, there’s someone sitting in the ‘cunt chair’. The chair moves, but essentially, there’s always a cunt on the show. Be it Danny Alexander, Nick Griffin or Kelvin MacKenzie. This week, it seemed as if Boris was in the cunt chair (he was the only Conservative who didn’t look like a mouse there).

But, as much as his party’s policies are as comfortable as a lemon-juice enema, his rhetoric is astounding. He’s quick witted without trying and can dig himself out of the stickiest situations. I saw him at People’s Question Time in Camden last year and he was hilarious. The fair Mayor of London didn’t know his microphone was on throughout the meeting, so the whole hall was treated to his blustering insults, (mostly aimed at RMT union members) ‘poppycock’ ‘tosh’ ‘oh grow up’. His hair had just been cut, especially for the event – another GLA member actually mentioned this – and he kept on burying his bonce in his hands. If any other politician was seen with their head in their hands, it would be front-page news, indicative of some sort of breakdown. But when Bozza does it, it’s just him being his idiosyncratic self.

This messy style would look great lesbians’ heads. We’ve seen an intense specificity in hairstyles over the past 7 years – Emos, you have a lot to answer for. But really, what’s sexier, the person who spends hours carefully straightening, gelling, bouffing, back-combing their hair, or the person with shaggy, imperfect bed-head? The hair makes a scarily powerful buffoon look approachable. It could work for you, too.

Advertisements

Keira Knightley and Elisabeth Moss

31 Mar
Keira Knightley and Elisabeth Moss

Keira Knightley and Elisabeth Moss

The Children’s Hour, written in 1934 by Lillian Hellman and now showing at London’s Comedy Theatre, is a flawed play. It’s difficult to believe that a child could bring about the demise of a whole school and three adults’ lives simply through a bit of gossipmongering. But once you get past that, Ian Rickson’s production is mostly made of brilliance. The set, an imposing gothic structure, turns to shit as the characters’ lives do likewise. Living legend Ellen Burstyn, who’s been onstage for half a century, doesn’t seem weathered, but seasoned and perfected through experience. Her voice, though crackly and heartbreaking (who can forget her turn in Requiem for a Dream?), carried so well it felt like she was crumbling beside me. Elisabeth Moss, usually mousey and timid as Don Draper’s secretary, Peggy Olsen in Mad Men, was unnessecarily shouty during the first act, but perhaps this would be different when not viewed from the second row. The seating wasn’t all bad, though. Not only could I see the spit from the actresses’ mouths, but the tears rolling down their faces.

Bryony Hannah who played the catalyst of the tears, made the role of an annoying taddle tale excruciatingly annoying, and the bloke who played the frustrated fiance was bearable. Keira Knightley, though possessing an accent with an almagated provenance of Boston, Bangor and Louisiana, was faultless, non-verbally. By clutching a cardigan and cowering, she manages to evoke a plethora of emotions; fear, fright, apprehension, relief. And she’s so bloody gorgeous that Elisabeth Moss wouldn’t even need to stare at her for the audience to believe there’s some lust going on there.

And kudos to Keira for putting herself out there. Many other actresses of her supposed milieu could never manage or dare to tread the boards (I mean you, Jessica Alba) and you can tell that this is where she feels most in control of her own performance.

If you haven’t caught The Children’s Hour, then don’t worry. The 1962 film, which featured Audrey Hepburn in Keira’s role, Shirley MacLaine in Elisabeth’s role and James Garner as the bloke. It’s fantastic – the only thing you’ll be missing out on Ellen Burstyn’s incredible performance.

Ahem. Now to the important part. The hair. Keira’s attracted lesbian glances since the Domino-era crop, and although her current hair (for the role)  is dowdy, it is very lesbiany. A bluntly-cut bob is that perfect “I’m so pretty/lesbiany that I genuinely don’t give a fuck” and the hairclip shows restraint, a desire to stick within conventional societal boundaries (of sexuality? maybe). Elisabeth Moss’s hair isn’t so much lesbiany as resentful-lesbiany. It’s screaming “I AM NOT A LESBIAN, LOOK, I CURL MY HAIR”

Kim Ann Foxman

24 Mar
Kim Ann Foxman

Kim Ann Foxman

Apologies this post comes so late. I’ve been tied up putting together some videos for EastBound magazine. I’ve been so busy that I never got to see Kim Ann Foxman DJing at Corsica Studios for Club Motherfucker.

Unfortunately, it might be a while before I get to see her DJ at a lez night. Because she’s just told ArtRebels.com that she doesn’t like to play for lesbian crowds. She said:

“I try not to focus on the lesbian aspect. I am rather a DJ that happens to be a big homo. Music comes first. I don’t really play at many lesbian events because usually lesbians don’t love my music anyway and I feel that they usually have annoying requests. Lesbians are a tough crowd; not all, of course, but generally I think they are. I love to play for mixed parties, where it is about the music and I love to play for gay boy parties too.”

And I totally gets what she means. It goes all the way back to the mid 1970s. Either the disco scene was too flamboyant for lesbians, or they were  deemed too short to be let in to Studio 54, Paradise Garage and The Limelight. So lesbians never got to appreciate disco/soul/deep house. And you can hear it nowadays. Gay nights tend to play housey, uplifting and vocal music, and people dance around without inhibitions. Lez nights tend to play grime, indie rock and bassline. And they don’t dance, they nod.

But, pleasingly, gay/lesbian music is merging. The apex of this being Lovebox’s polysexual day, which is essentially Pride without all the geeks.

Kim Ann Foxman accompanied Hercules and Love Affair there last year. She resides within the beautiful genre of soulful Chicago house. I think her hair was the same then as it is now. Not gimmicky, just messy on top, tidy at the sides, and cute.

Michelle Rodriguez

13 Mar
Michelle Rodriguez

Michelle Rodriguez

This fiery latina has got in trouble from the lesbian community recently. At the premiere of her new film, Battle: Los Angeles, she told a reporter from RumorFix.com that she’d like everyone to know:

“I’m not a lesbian. Yeah! Mitchie likes sausage.”

This is despite a pretty obvious thaaang going on with Kristanna Loken. You know, the out actress who appeared on The L Word. And if you’ve seen anything Michelle’s been in (Lost, Blue Crush, Avatar) , you’ll be sure she’s gay. She’s butch enough to make Chuck Norris look like Kurt out of Glee. Obvs, though, it’s not for me to determine/announce someone’s sexuality, so let’s just say she’s one of those people who isn’t comfortable with being labelled. This can be shown by her hair; it’s that perfect pseudo-straight girl hair. It’s long, assuring us that she’s not gay, but it’s prone to ponytails. When ponytails are done so low on the head, you can only assume that the wearer is either a member of Status Quo or a massive lesbian.

Robyn

8 Mar
Robyn

Robyn

To celebrate International Women’s Day, the Guardian put together a list of their top 100 women. Quite a few are eligible for this blog, too. However, let’s give a shout out to Robyn, who’s recently had to postpone a couple of gigs in the UK due to health issues. GET BETTER, REEZY (?).

Instead of pestering her PR for tickets to see the peppy Swede play the Roundhouse last week, I went to Twat Boutique, which is certainly living up to its name these days. Lots of angry ladies staring bitchez down, and rumour has it someone went apeshit and punched a car.

Women, we are not animals. Let’s shape up a bit. Imagine if Robyn had turned up after her gig to find a bunch of bitchy schoolgirls running riot instead of the creative-minded, free-spirited chillers we purport to be?

Of course, the official line is that Robyn wouldn’t come to a lesbian night, because she’s not a lesbian. But her hair is begging to differ so hard that it’s just bought me dinner and it’s sucking my toes.

EDIT: Appaz Robyn WAS at Twat Boutique last week. So let’s sincerely hope she didn’t see all the dyke dramz going on.

Daisy Lowe

7 Mar
Daisy Lowe

Daisy Lowe

Daisy Lowe, model and love-child of one-time gay, Gavin Rossdale, has come out and said she is a ‘mild lesbian’.

In the interview with, er, GQ, She said she’s crushing on Kelly Brook and banged on about how women have beautiful shapes.

I’m sure this doesn’t mean that she’s going to be interested in me, what with my appearance regularly causing cashiers at Tesco to call me ‘sir’, but I poked her on Facebook regardlesss. Short of a successful come-on, it’s part of a grander scheme to bring Facebook poking back. Poking is a wonderful way to annoy people/ let them know you’re keen.

Her hair isn’t lesbiany, but hey, it is the lesbian maketh the hair, not the hair which maketh the lesbian. And it’s really hot (and before you think ‘in an obvious way’, there is absolutely nothing wrong with being hot in an obvious way).

Charlie Sheen

6 Mar
Charlie Sheen

Charlie Sheen

In case you needed reminding, Charlie Sheen’s meltdown has become incredibly public over the past two weeks. After calling a radio show to babble stuff about 9/11 and give Lindsay Lohan advice (‘learn to control your impulses’), all sorts of broadcasters and publications were knocking on the door of Charlie’s house. The ‘Sober Valley Lodge’, as he calls it, is home to himself, his two ‘goddesses’ and, until the police took them into custody, his two sons by alleged crackhead Brooke Mueller.

The frighteningly articulate actor has said some hilarious things in each of his interviews, but his infamy kind of jumped the shark when he started interacting with his fans on Twitter and playing up to what they like. He’s not really functioning on a different realm when his lowly fans can coerce him into getting a tattoo of ‘winning’ on his wrist. There’s also the small matter of that time in the 80s when he SHOT his ex, Kelly Preston. He’s also plead guilty to a whole slew of assault charges in the years since.

Such a shame Chuck’s a misogynist, because, gee…he used to make such a cute lesbian.

Annette Bening

27 Feb
Annette Bening

Annette Bening

In honour of tonight’s Academy Awards, I thought I’d give a nod to Annette Bening. It’s hardly like she’ll pick up the Oscar for Best Actress. We’re more likely to see James Franco’s withered rotting arm win Best Actor than anyone but Natalie Portman walk away with the coveted accolade for best leading lady. However, Annette’s performance in The Kids Are All Right is not to be played down. There’s a crucial moment (I’m going to pretend you haven’t watched it) in the film where you can feel your own blood boiling along with hers.

Her hair has been short for various stages of her career. Although it was super short in recent years – in Kids and American Beauty – it doesn’t seem lesbiany enough. Maybe because, even though she was playing a lesbian in Kids, she (as well as the other leads, played by Mark Ruffalo and Julianne Moore) was so unlikeable. Plus, this 90s cut looks a lot more chilled out and natural.

In terms of her actual sexuality, it’s a shame, because she’s still a banger, but she’s got to be a billion per cent straight in order to keep husband and babe-magnet Warren Beatty in check.

Mary Byrne

23 Feb
Mary Byrne

Mary Byrne

I always knew there was something about The X Factor’s Mary Byrne. That, or I need more than ‘she looks a little bit like Catherine Zeta Jones’ to justify my inappropriate crush on Tesco’s finest.

The ‘something’ is that Mary had a lesbian relationship once upon a time. She told GT: “I have a lot of gay friends in Dublin and I had a relationship with a woman thirty odd years ago as well.

“I’m not gay but I came out of a bad relationship with a man and, you know, met this girl who just fit the bill at the time and we had a great relationship for a year.”

The best/only thing about Mary’s hair is her greasy fringe.

Justin Bieber

22 Feb
Justin Bieber. Credit: Jay DeMarcus

Justin Bieber. Credit: Jay DeMarcus

Well, it was about time. Justin Bieber’s had his floppy lego-hair ‘do switched up, heralding in a new age in lesbieban (no, not Libyan, lesbieban) relations. Instead of lesbians following Justin’s lead by sticking with dated post-emo styles, Justin ‘Sally Field’ Bieber is copying lesbians by getting himself a short back ‘n sides.

It’s arguable that lesbians in turn are copying men with their short haircuts. Expecially considering that so many people think that lesbians perform their sexuality in a masculine way because they all secretly want to be men. And although I quite like Freudian interpretations of modern life – when you dream of trains, you’re certainly dreaming of cocks –  I don’t approve of this one. Lesbians dress like guys, or don’t dress like guys because they dress in what they think looks good. It’s nothing to do with acquiring another set of sexual organs. I mean, how many dykes do you see packing crotch padding? Exactly.