Tag Archives: british

Frankie Cocozza

27 Sep

Frankie Cocozza

“I want to get lots of girls” the pug-faced cheeky chappy from Brighton (by way of Malia! WAHEY!) tells the judges. Then he gets his bum out to show the panel, the whooping crowd and the whole bloody country the tattooed names of all the girls he’d presumably boned while in Malia. The names are still visible, but the hairy bumcrack is blurred out. This was to save The X Factor’s producers’ skin – they were given a wrap on the knuckles by Ofcom after broadcasting Rihanna and Christina Aguilera’s raunchy performances in last year’s finale. It was also, I like to think, blurred out so that not one young girl’s notion of smooth, groomed heartthrobbery could be thwarted by the appearance of wiry curled hair on a Syco darling’s bumhole.

But that’s not the hair I want to discuss. The only hair that makes Frankie Cocozza of any worth to anyone – his eyebrows, though not as offensive as many of his fellow contestants’, appear to be slugging their way around his face – is his head hair. His voice lacks the pizzazz of his surname – Gary said the 18-year-old scamp has “Rod Stewart vocals”. But the fist of pure emotionlessness forgot to mention that the vocals he meant were the yelps he’d imagine the feather-haired troll emitted when he discovered Benicio Del Toro had got his daughter up the duff and finally had a taste of his own salty medicine.

Frankie’s similarity to Rod Stewart starts and ends with his inability to keep his pants on. Not only did he drop trow in front of the bloody nation, but with rumours flying – doubtless greenlit by the show’s PR officers – that he bonked a female contestant on the bootcamp round, it appears the lad is just as quick to get his end away as he is to hit a flat note.

Arguably, Frankie’s got some charisma. The type of Olly Murs/Robbie Williams ITV1 Saturday evening charisma which is so anemic it must be subsidised with either trousers so tight you can tell he’s not circumcised or monthly injections of testosterone. The type of charisma that also needs a hat or a quiff to really work.

Or, in Frankie’s case, a thick, lustrous head of hair. He’s done the Shane from The L Word look with the same audacity that only the most feckless of lesbians in the mid-2000’s could do. It’s a great cut. We, as lesbians, like to distance ourselves from it because it’s all a bit cliché to mooch around like Shane, and trends tell us that hair’s to be swept up off of our foreheads unless arranged in a neat bowl. Our own micro-society tells us to hold back from The Shane.

But Frankie probably hasn’t done like his namesake on Lip Service (shit, remember Lip Service) and borrowed his hair from Shane. He’s just let a Justin Bieber ‘do grow out and all of that time rolling about in bed (or his natural Italian curl) has done the rest. The Shane is a brilliant haircut and we shouldn’t relegate it to a ‘don’t’ ‘do simply because it was at the height of lesbian cool years ago. I am 110% anti-Frankie, and would rather see Kendro perform sex acts on one another than him rasp his way through The X Factor’s final . But his one redeeming quality, perhaps his only redeeming quality, is absolutely classic lesbian hair.

Ben Whishaw in The Hour

18 Aug

British weather is a joke. But in the summer, as the clouds draw over, festivals and fairs get pissed on, and al of a sudden you’re wearing a coat and shivering whilst inside, at least these grumbles are allayed by ‘the silly season’. When giant rats are found in an estate oop north, or when a whale is found halfway up the Thames, or a donkey is parachuted into the air. Silly season is essentially when parliamentary recess happens and every newspaper’s front 20 pages resemble Metro’s page 3.

However, in this disgusting summer, the whole concept of a silly season lasted for about as long as that 31 degree heatwave. What kicked it off was the convergence of evil journalists, evil politicians, evil police officers in the hacking scandal, sending the world into some sort of tailspin, making everything happen reallyfuckingquickly and giving actual purpose to 24 hour news channels’ ‘BREAKING’ tickers. Bar the recent riots, which were a whole new level of WTF, this persistence of stuff just happening all over the place has been eerily echoed by The Hour. The newsroom thriller about the corrupt triumvirate of police, government and journalists, had The Times columnist Giles Coren musing on Twitter: “wow. journalists, police and politicians all interconnected in a terrible naughty mess. who would have thought?”

The programme had been tipped as the ‘British Mad Men’, but the plaudit fell by the wayside; although The Hour’s costumes seem to be spot on, it lacks Mad Men’s glamour and gloss. All for good reason – the BBC’s budget is a mere splash to HBO’s ocean, and postwar Britain was penniless in comparison to postwar America. But at points it feels as if the grubbiness is not down to a purposeful move away from glamour, but down to unintentional faults. There are some serious continuity howlers as the camera angle switches. Look! There’s Dominic West pouring a bottle of wine. And look! It’s disappeared again.

Almost as fleeting as Dominic West’s bottle of wine was my friend Noo’s turn in the first episode. She had a tough task, playing the nervy society girl who dismantled the story’s equilibrium by coming in and mumbling paranoid tales about ‘them’ and ‘they’. But she did very well, and you can see her this Christmas in the BBC’s adaptation of Great Expectations. Let’s hope she gets given a better fringe this time.

But we’re not here to talk about her fringe. We’re here to talk about Ben Whishaw’s lesbian hair. Lots of people have said that his suit looks far too contemporary, that it could’ve fallen out of a Hedi Slimane collection. The same could be said for his hair, which seems to have been scalped from east London’s finest lesbians. It’s all floppy, like what happens when a girl has a crew cut then it grows out and she can’t be bothered to cut it because it’s still pretty low maintenance and besides she’s sleeping with the ex of the girl who cuts her hair for free and why pay anyway? Yeah, that.

Rebekah Brooks

10 Jul
Rebekah Brooks

Rebekah Brooks

To add to her faults, Rebekah Brooks is meant to be a bit homophobic. The Evening Standard interviewed Chris Bryant, one of the (few) MPs who worked tirelessly to uncover the News Of The World’s phone-hacking. He recounted an experience of meeting Rebekah (then Brooks) at a party or something.

She came up to me and said, ‘Oh, Mr Bryant, it’s after dark — shouldn’t you be on Clapham Common?”

“At which point Ross Kemp [the ex-EastEnders actor and her then husband] said, ‘Shut up, you homophobic cow’.”

However, I think she’s totally worthy of being on this blog, because there’s something so lesbiany about her. So as not to be libellous, the decision to include her here is nothing to do with the rumours (RUMOURS) that suggest (SUGGEST) that her and Ross Kemp were only ever in a marriage of convenience, so that each of them could allegedly (ALLEGEDLY) cover up their respective same-sex dalliances. There are other things that make her sexy to lesbians. Like a Hitchcock vamp, she’s not bosomy or faux-coy, but a cold-hearted bitch. My source says that Brooks “pretended” to cry when she told all NOTW staff that they’d be sacked so as to save her lushly-coiffed head. She’s also incredibly powerful: her resignation was refused by James Murdoch, leading conspiracists to believe that she has “something” on the Murdochs. To have “something” on the man who has a media influence of about 5 billion people is simultaneously scary and sexy (unless you’re French, in which case it’s just sexy).

One of the biggest complaints about the news media last week was launched at the tabloids for their reluctance to give proportional (read: front page) coverage to the phone-hacking scandal. MY biggest complaint is that they’ve failed to treat her how they normally treat women by focusing on a symbiotic link between a woman’s image and her work. If they’d looked solely at her aesthetics, they would have gleaned that:

1. She’s a bit of alright.

2. If you plonk a ginger wig atop Kate Middleton’s lollipop head, you get Rebekah Brooks.

3. It’s not entirely ridiculous to suggest that she could be played by the beautiful Amy Adams in the film all about this. (No surprises as to who Michael Sheen would play. I’m vying for a shar pei in glasses to channel Murdoch.)

4. She is very possibly from a parallel universe where Nicole Kidman didn’t use Botox.

So, we know she’s fit. But is Rebekah’s hair lesbiany? Yes. Why? Because of the 90s. Her hair is massively 90s, and 90s seems to be big in the queer scene right now. Also, she’s powerful and sexy and mean. She might not deserve to retain her role as CEO of News International, but she certainly deserves to be here. We’re crushing hard.

Prince Harry

2 May
Prince Harry

Prince Harry

Like the other alleged 1999999999 people across the globe, my eyes were glued to the television to watch the nuptials of Prince William and Kate Middleton on Friday.

There’s been some consternation amongst LGBT groups about the wedding, most notably Peter Tatchell, who’s complained that Kate and Will should’ve waited until same-sex couples can marry before tying the knot themselves.
And yeah, there’s something awfully heteronormative about a prince and a miniscule lady getting married and him having a hand about 18 times the size of hers and all the men wearing suits or uniform and all the women in dresses and hats and Elton John and David Furnish being sneered at by certain members of the congregation as they made their way to their seats…
But wasn’t it a beautiful wedding? And…even if you weren’t so sure about its credentials as a genuine display of true love – if you’re certain that the whole thing was timed so as to give the nation something to feel happy about during a time of caustic cuts and ruthless leadership…did you SEE Prince Harry?
First of all, unlike his brother, man has hair. Second of all, he knows just what to do with his hair. Ginger men hardly ever get it right. They’ll wear too much red, or yellow, or be too freckly, or use cheap dye to feign any other hair colour on their head, with their glistening eyebrows and lashes left to brazenly hint at surreptitious strawberry blonde tendencies. Ginger lesbians are the same. Sometimes they just don’t know how to deal with it.
Like a cheeky chappy lesbo, Prince Harry’s got the sexiest demeanour and it really shows through his hair. It’s messy and low-maintenance, but still gorgeous. It’s not the type of hairdo you’d show in a photo to the hairdresser in a bid to replicate it, but a lot of lesbians already have this ‘do – a kind of raffish, lost boys style that requires little effort to get right. Usually as a result of overgrown crew cuts, it’s a great way of expressing a departure from formality, a desire to stray from the norm. Which works equally well both for lesbians and third-in-liners to the throne.

Daisy Lowe

7 Mar
Daisy Lowe

Daisy Lowe

Daisy Lowe, model and love-child of one-time gay, Gavin Rossdale, has come out and said she is a ‘mild lesbian’.

In the interview with, er, GQ, She said she’s crushing on Kelly Brook and banged on about how women have beautiful shapes.

I’m sure this doesn’t mean that she’s going to be interested in me, what with my appearance regularly causing cashiers at Tesco to call me ‘sir’, but I poked her on Facebook regardlesss. Short of a successful come-on, it’s part of a grander scheme to bring Facebook poking back. Poking is a wonderful way to annoy people/ let them know you’re keen.

Her hair isn’t lesbiany, but hey, it is the lesbian maketh the hair, not the hair which maketh the lesbian. And it’s really hot (and before you think ‘in an obvious way’, there is absolutely nothing wrong with being hot in an obvious way).

Jessie J

16 Feb
Jessie J

Jessie J

Congratulations to Jessie J on her Brit award win. The only thing I don’t like about the lady is that she claimed to have not prepared a speech, even though she always knew she was going to win the award. I’m quite a fan of humility, but it would be really old-school and entertaining to hear a performer deliver a lengthy speech with some sort of narrative to it. It’s not as if Jessie isn’t capable of arrogance, just check out her Twitter feed. And with a voice like hers,  she’s allowed to be as arrogant as she likes. Her hair isn’t typical lesbian hair, but she’s definitely bisexual, and I can  see the Mystic Meg look catching on among fans, regardless of their sexuality.

Franky, Skins

29 Jan
Franky (Dakota Blue Richards)

Franky (played by Dakota Blue Richards)

I’ve never been too keen on Skins. Firstly, I feel a bit too old for it. That’s the problem with casting teenagers to play teenagers; I don’t want to care what they’re doing, because as cool as they are, it’s never cool to care about what people younger than you are up to. Secondly, no programme is ever going to top Buffy The Vampire Slayer when it comes to accurate representation of/appropriate metaphors for teenage life. There’s one thing that could get me to watch the first episode of the madly hyped new series, though. And that’s Franky. Ok, bit harsh to call her a ‘thing’, but knowing the series’ penchant for ticking LGBT boxes, it seems it’s gearing up to add the T. Her hair is perfectly androgynous, yet classic; this could be a promo shot for the teen Tipping the Velvet.

Sarah Hicks

28 Jan
Sarah Hicks

Sarah Hicks. Credit: Dolly Alderton/Facebook

Sarah is not a lesbian, but she has lesbian hair, just like Nick Carter had lesbian hair.

Melanie Phillips

27 Jan

 

Melanie Phillips

Melanie Phillips, columnist for the Daily Mail. Credit: Religious Intelligence

This week, Melanie Phillips was at the centre of a Twitter shit-storm after she claimed that the mere acknowledgment of homosexuality in proposed school literature is tantamount to “brainwashing” children, and that LGBT people are the “new McCarthyites”. Like a refined old gentleman uncorking a well-vintaged whiskey which tastes of methylated spirits, she opened a whole can of worms when she mentioned that old chestnut, the “gay agenda”. I’d link to it here, but I wouldn’t want her piece to reap the benefits of pay-per-click advertising.

Perhaps more bizarre than her outrageously bigoted views, is her hair. SO lesbian.