Tag Archives: dark hair

Frankie Cocozza

27 Sep

Frankie Cocozza

“I want to get lots of girls” the pug-faced cheeky chappy from Brighton (by way of Malia! WAHEY!) tells the judges. Then he gets his bum out to show the panel, the whooping crowd and the whole bloody country the tattooed names of all the girls he’d presumably boned while in Malia. The names are still visible, but the hairy bumcrack is blurred out. This was to save The X Factor’s producers’ skin – they were given a wrap on the knuckles by Ofcom after broadcasting Rihanna and Christina Aguilera’s raunchy performances in last year’s finale. It was also, I like to think, blurred out so that not one young girl’s notion of smooth, groomed heartthrobbery could be thwarted by the appearance of wiry curled hair on a Syco darling’s bumhole.

But that’s not the hair I want to discuss. The only hair that makes Frankie Cocozza of any worth to anyone – his eyebrows, though not as offensive as many of his fellow contestants’, appear to be slugging their way around his face – is his head hair. His voice lacks the pizzazz of his surname – Gary said the 18-year-old scamp has “Rod Stewart vocals”. But the fist of pure emotionlessness forgot to mention that the vocals he meant were the yelps he’d imagine the feather-haired troll emitted when he discovered Benicio Del Toro had got his daughter up the duff and finally had a taste of his own salty medicine.

Frankie’s similarity to Rod Stewart starts and ends with his inability to keep his pants on. Not only did he drop trow in front of the bloody nation, but with rumours flying – doubtless greenlit by the show’s PR officers – that he bonked a female contestant on the bootcamp round, it appears the lad is just as quick to get his end away as he is to hit a flat note.

Arguably, Frankie’s got some charisma. The type of Olly Murs/Robbie Williams ITV1 Saturday evening charisma which is so anemic it must be subsidised with either trousers so tight you can tell he’s not circumcised or monthly injections of testosterone. The type of charisma that also needs a hat or a quiff to really work.

Or, in Frankie’s case, a thick, lustrous head of hair. He’s done the Shane from The L Word look with the same audacity that only the most feckless of lesbians in the mid-2000’s could do. It’s a great cut. We, as lesbians, like to distance ourselves from it because it’s all a bit cliché to mooch around like Shane, and trends tell us that hair’s to be swept up off of our foreheads unless arranged in a neat bowl. Our own micro-society tells us to hold back from The Shane.

But Frankie probably hasn’t done like his namesake on Lip Service (shit, remember Lip Service) and borrowed his hair from Shane. He’s just let a Justin Bieber ‘do grow out and all of that time rolling about in bed (or his natural Italian curl) has done the rest. The Shane is a brilliant haircut and we shouldn’t relegate it to a ‘don’t’ ‘do simply because it was at the height of lesbian cool years ago. I am 110% anti-Frankie, and would rather see Kendro perform sex acts on one another than him rasp his way through The X Factor’s final . But his one redeeming quality, perhaps his only redeeming quality, is absolutely classic lesbian hair.

Ben Whishaw in The Hour

18 Aug

British weather is a joke. But in the summer, as the clouds draw over, festivals and fairs get pissed on, and al of a sudden you’re wearing a coat and shivering whilst inside, at least these grumbles are allayed by ‘the silly season’. When giant rats are found in an estate oop north, or when a whale is found halfway up the Thames, or a donkey is parachuted into the air. Silly season is essentially when parliamentary recess happens and every newspaper’s front 20 pages resemble Metro’s page 3.

However, in this disgusting summer, the whole concept of a silly season lasted for about as long as that 31 degree heatwave. What kicked it off was the convergence of evil journalists, evil politicians, evil police officers in the hacking scandal, sending the world into some sort of tailspin, making everything happen reallyfuckingquickly and giving actual purpose to 24 hour news channels’ ‘BREAKING’ tickers. Bar the recent riots, which were a whole new level of WTF, this persistence of stuff just happening all over the place has been eerily echoed by The Hour. The newsroom thriller about the corrupt triumvirate of police, government and journalists, had The Times columnist Giles Coren musing on Twitter: “wow. journalists, police and politicians all interconnected in a terrible naughty mess. who would have thought?”

The programme had been tipped as the ‘British Mad Men’, but the plaudit fell by the wayside; although The Hour’s costumes seem to be spot on, it lacks Mad Men’s glamour and gloss. All for good reason – the BBC’s budget is a mere splash to HBO’s ocean, and postwar Britain was penniless in comparison to postwar America. But at points it feels as if the grubbiness is not down to a purposeful move away from glamour, but down to unintentional faults. There are some serious continuity howlers as the camera angle switches. Look! There’s Dominic West pouring a bottle of wine. And look! It’s disappeared again.

Almost as fleeting as Dominic West’s bottle of wine was my friend Noo’s turn in the first episode. She had a tough task, playing the nervy society girl who dismantled the story’s equilibrium by coming in and mumbling paranoid tales about ‘them’ and ‘they’. But she did very well, and you can see her this Christmas in the BBC’s adaptation of Great Expectations. Let’s hope she gets given a better fringe this time.

But we’re not here to talk about her fringe. We’re here to talk about Ben Whishaw’s lesbian hair. Lots of people have said that his suit looks far too contemporary, that it could’ve fallen out of a Hedi Slimane collection. The same could be said for his hair, which seems to have been scalped from east London’s finest lesbians. It’s all floppy, like what happens when a girl has a crew cut then it grows out and she can’t be bothered to cut it because it’s still pretty low maintenance and besides she’s sleeping with the ex of the girl who cuts her hair for free and why pay anyway? Yeah, that.

Syd Bennett of OFWGKTA

8 May
Syd Bennett of OFWGKTA

Syd Bennett of OFWGKTA

Everyone’s banging on about Odd Future Wolf Gang Kill Them All, (or Odd Future, if you’re pressed for time). And although there’s much merit to be found in their tracks’ production values – no samples in favour of a rickety chillwave sound – their lyrics make Eminem look like a choirboy. e.g.

“I’ll push this fucking pregnant clown into a hydrant stuck in the ground/ I step through the stomach, replace the baby with some fucking pounds”

“Those privilege fucks got to learn that we ain’t taking no shit/ Like Ellen Degeneres clitoris is playing with dick”

Frontman, Tyler, The Creator, has got a way of making me laugh on Twitter, though:

“These Old White People Next To Me Are So Scared. Now Its Awkward. I Said Hi, She Jumped

Prolly Cause I’m Ginger”

But I’d never follow the guy – as charming and insightful and intelligent as he is, his tweets and interviews are peppered with ‘faggot’ and ‘gay’ in their pejorative senses.

“Nto Having A Fuckign Working Phone Is Fucking Gay Fuck!”

And yeah, maybe it’s post-modern and post-ironic. Like, ‘I’m going to say fag and shit to highlight that people say fag and it’s not right but people still do it and I’ll still do it you fucking fag’. But that tired years ago with the third verse of D12’s ‘Shit On You’. And they had the defence of alter egos to validate their use of obscene lyrics. Homophobia comes on a sliding scale, and it’s not enough to say you don’t mean it when you say ‘fag’ or ‘gay’ to mean shit, because in that case, you’re intelligent enough to find better adjectives to use to express your disdain.

Paul Lester did an interview with Tyler for The Guardian‘s The Guide, showing the 20 year old’s duality; peppy yet angry, smart yet facetious. It answered a question that had been niggling away at me for the past couple of days, when I saw an MTV interview with the OF gang. Who is that little one in the red? And is she a lesbian?

It’s Syd Bennett, the engineer of OF and their get out clause for all accusations of misogyny and homophobia. Because she’s a lesbian. No, it doesn’t quite make sense. What do you think? Does her presence as a respected member of the collective undo all the misogyny in their lyrics?

Her hair’s pretty simple; afro hair shaved into a quiff with a couple of go faster stripes at the side, messily grown out.

Kim Ann Foxman

24 Mar
Kim Ann Foxman

Kim Ann Foxman

Apologies this post comes so late. I’ve been tied up putting together some videos for EastBound magazine. I’ve been so busy that I never got to see Kim Ann Foxman DJing at Corsica Studios for Club Motherfucker.

Unfortunately, it might be a while before I get to see her DJ at a lez night. Because she’s just told ArtRebels.com that she doesn’t like to play for lesbian crowds. She said:

“I try not to focus on the lesbian aspect. I am rather a DJ that happens to be a big homo. Music comes first. I don’t really play at many lesbian events because usually lesbians don’t love my music anyway and I feel that they usually have annoying requests. Lesbians are a tough crowd; not all, of course, but generally I think they are. I love to play for mixed parties, where it is about the music and I love to play for gay boy parties too.”

And I totally gets what she means. It goes all the way back to the mid 1970s. Either the disco scene was too flamboyant for lesbians, or they were  deemed too short to be let in to Studio 54, Paradise Garage and The Limelight. So lesbians never got to appreciate disco/soul/deep house. And you can hear it nowadays. Gay nights tend to play housey, uplifting and vocal music, and people dance around without inhibitions. Lez nights tend to play grime, indie rock and bassline. And they don’t dance, they nod.

But, pleasingly, gay/lesbian music is merging. The apex of this being Lovebox’s polysexual day, which is essentially Pride without all the geeks.

Kim Ann Foxman accompanied Hercules and Love Affair there last year. She resides within the beautiful genre of soulful Chicago house. I think her hair was the same then as it is now. Not gimmicky, just messy on top, tidy at the sides, and cute.

Michelle Rodriguez

13 Mar
Michelle Rodriguez

Michelle Rodriguez

This fiery latina has got in trouble from the lesbian community recently. At the premiere of her new film, Battle: Los Angeles, she told a reporter from RumorFix.com that she’d like everyone to know:

“I’m not a lesbian. Yeah! Mitchie likes sausage.”

This is despite a pretty obvious thaaang going on with Kristanna Loken. You know, the out actress who appeared on The L Word. And if you’ve seen anything Michelle’s been in (Lost, Blue Crush, Avatar) , you’ll be sure she’s gay. She’s butch enough to make Chuck Norris look like Kurt out of Glee. Obvs, though, it’s not for me to determine/announce someone’s sexuality, so let’s just say she’s one of those people who isn’t comfortable with being labelled. This can be shown by her hair; it’s that perfect pseudo-straight girl hair. It’s long, assuring us that she’s not gay, but it’s prone to ponytails. When ponytails are done so low on the head, you can only assume that the wearer is either a member of Status Quo or a massive lesbian.

Charlie Sheen

6 Mar
Charlie Sheen

Charlie Sheen

In case you needed reminding, Charlie Sheen’s meltdown has become incredibly public over the past two weeks. After calling a radio show to babble stuff about 9/11 and give Lindsay Lohan advice (‘learn to control your impulses’), all sorts of broadcasters and publications were knocking on the door of Charlie’s house. The ‘Sober Valley Lodge’, as he calls it, is home to himself, his two ‘goddesses’ and, until the police took them into custody, his two sons by alleged crackhead Brooke Mueller.

The frighteningly articulate actor has said some hilarious things in each of his interviews, but his infamy kind of jumped the shark when he started interacting with his fans on Twitter and playing up to what they like. He’s not really functioning on a different realm when his lowly fans can coerce him into getting a tattoo of ‘winning’ on his wrist. There’s also the small matter of that time in the 80s when he SHOT his ex, Kelly Preston. He’s also plead guilty to a whole slew of assault charges in the years since.

Such a shame Chuck’s a misogynist, because, gee…he used to make such a cute lesbian.

Mary Byrne

23 Feb
Mary Byrne

Mary Byrne

I always knew there was something about The X Factor’s Mary Byrne. That, or I need more than ‘she looks a little bit like Catherine Zeta Jones’ to justify my inappropriate crush on Tesco’s finest.

The ‘something’ is that Mary had a lesbian relationship once upon a time. She told GT: “I have a lot of gay friends in Dublin and I had a relationship with a woman thirty odd years ago as well.

“I’m not gay but I came out of a bad relationship with a man and, you know, met this girl who just fit the bill at the time and we had a great relationship for a year.”

The best/only thing about Mary’s hair is her greasy fringe.

Jessie J

16 Feb
Jessie J

Jessie J

Congratulations to Jessie J on her Brit award win. The only thing I don’t like about the lady is that she claimed to have not prepared a speech, even though she always knew she was going to win the award. I’m quite a fan of humility, but it would be really old-school and entertaining to hear a performer deliver a lengthy speech with some sort of narrative to it. It’s not as if Jessie isn’t capable of arrogance, just check out her Twitter feed. And with a voice like hers,  she’s allowed to be as arrogant as she likes. Her hair isn’t typical lesbian hair, but she’s definitely bisexual, and I can  see the Mystic Meg look catching on among fans, regardless of their sexuality.