Tag Archives: lesbian hair

Frankie Cocozza

27 Sep

Frankie Cocozza

“I want to get lots of girls” the pug-faced cheeky chappy from Brighton (by way of Malia! WAHEY!) tells the judges. Then he gets his bum out to show the panel, the whooping crowd and the whole bloody country the tattooed names of all the girls he’d presumably boned while in Malia. The names are still visible, but the hairy bumcrack is blurred out. This was to save The X Factor’s producers’ skin – they were given a wrap on the knuckles by Ofcom after broadcasting Rihanna and Christina Aguilera’s raunchy performances in last year’s finale. It was also, I like to think, blurred out so that not one young girl’s notion of smooth, groomed heartthrobbery could be thwarted by the appearance of wiry curled hair on a Syco darling’s bumhole.

But that’s not the hair I want to discuss. The only hair that makes Frankie Cocozza of any worth to anyone – his eyebrows, though not as offensive as many of his fellow contestants’, appear to be slugging their way around his face – is his head hair. His voice lacks the pizzazz of his surname – Gary said the 18-year-old scamp has “Rod Stewart vocals”. But the fist of pure emotionlessness forgot to mention that the vocals he meant were the yelps he’d imagine the feather-haired troll emitted when he discovered Benicio Del Toro had got his daughter up the duff and finally had a taste of his own salty medicine.

Frankie’s similarity to Rod Stewart starts and ends with his inability to keep his pants on. Not only did he drop trow in front of the bloody nation, but with rumours flying – doubtless greenlit by the show’s PR officers – that he bonked a female contestant on the bootcamp round, it appears the lad is just as quick to get his end away as he is to hit a flat note.

Arguably, Frankie’s got some charisma. The type of Olly Murs/Robbie Williams ITV1 Saturday evening charisma which is so anemic it must be subsidised with either trousers so tight you can tell he’s not circumcised or monthly injections of testosterone. The type of charisma that also needs a hat or a quiff to really work.

Or, in Frankie’s case, a thick, lustrous head of hair. He’s done the Shane from The L Word look with the same audacity that only the most feckless of lesbians in the mid-2000’s could do. It’s a great cut. We, as lesbians, like to distance ourselves from it because it’s all a bit cliché to mooch around like Shane, and trends tell us that hair’s to be swept up off of our foreheads unless arranged in a neat bowl. Our own micro-society tells us to hold back from The Shane.

But Frankie probably hasn’t done like his namesake on Lip Service (shit, remember Lip Service) and borrowed his hair from Shane. He’s just let a Justin Bieber ‘do grow out and all of that time rolling about in bed (or his natural Italian curl) has done the rest. The Shane is a brilliant haircut and we shouldn’t relegate it to a ‘don’t’ ‘do simply because it was at the height of lesbian cool years ago. I am 110% anti-Frankie, and would rather see Kendro perform sex acts on one another than him rasp his way through The X Factor’s final . But his one redeeming quality, perhaps his only redeeming quality, is absolutely classic lesbian hair.

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Ben Whishaw in The Hour

18 Aug

British weather is a joke. But in the summer, as the clouds draw over, festivals and fairs get pissed on, and al of a sudden you’re wearing a coat and shivering whilst inside, at least these grumbles are allayed by ‘the silly season’. When giant rats are found in an estate oop north, or when a whale is found halfway up the Thames, or a donkey is parachuted into the air. Silly season is essentially when parliamentary recess happens and every newspaper’s front 20 pages resemble Metro’s page 3.

However, in this disgusting summer, the whole concept of a silly season lasted for about as long as that 31 degree heatwave. What kicked it off was the convergence of evil journalists, evil politicians, evil police officers in the hacking scandal, sending the world into some sort of tailspin, making everything happen reallyfuckingquickly and giving actual purpose to 24 hour news channels’ ‘BREAKING’ tickers. Bar the recent riots, which were a whole new level of WTF, this persistence of stuff just happening all over the place has been eerily echoed by The Hour. The newsroom thriller about the corrupt triumvirate of police, government and journalists, had The Times columnist Giles Coren musing on Twitter: “wow. journalists, police and politicians all interconnected in a terrible naughty mess. who would have thought?”

The programme had been tipped as the ‘British Mad Men’, but the plaudit fell by the wayside; although The Hour’s costumes seem to be spot on, it lacks Mad Men’s glamour and gloss. All for good reason – the BBC’s budget is a mere splash to HBO’s ocean, and postwar Britain was penniless in comparison to postwar America. But at points it feels as if the grubbiness is not down to a purposeful move away from glamour, but down to unintentional faults. There are some serious continuity howlers as the camera angle switches. Look! There’s Dominic West pouring a bottle of wine. And look! It’s disappeared again.

Almost as fleeting as Dominic West’s bottle of wine was my friend Noo’s turn in the first episode. She had a tough task, playing the nervy society girl who dismantled the story’s equilibrium by coming in and mumbling paranoid tales about ‘them’ and ‘they’. But she did very well, and you can see her this Christmas in the BBC’s adaptation of Great Expectations. Let’s hope she gets given a better fringe this time.

But we’re not here to talk about her fringe. We’re here to talk about Ben Whishaw’s lesbian hair. Lots of people have said that his suit looks far too contemporary, that it could’ve fallen out of a Hedi Slimane collection. The same could be said for his hair, which seems to have been scalped from east London’s finest lesbians. It’s all floppy, like what happens when a girl has a crew cut then it grows out and she can’t be bothered to cut it because it’s still pretty low maintenance and besides she’s sleeping with the ex of the girl who cuts her hair for free and why pay anyway? Yeah, that.

Justin Bieber

22 Feb
Justin Bieber. Credit: Jay DeMarcus

Justin Bieber. Credit: Jay DeMarcus

Well, it was about time. Justin Bieber’s had his floppy lego-hair ‘do switched up, heralding in a new age in lesbieban (no, not Libyan, lesbieban) relations. Instead of lesbians following Justin’s lead by sticking with dated post-emo styles, Justin ‘Sally Field’ Bieber is copying lesbians by getting himself a short back ‘n sides.

It’s arguable that lesbians in turn are copying men with their short haircuts. Expecially considering that so many people think that lesbians perform their sexuality in a masculine way because they all secretly want to be men. And although I quite like Freudian interpretations of modern life – when you dream of trains, you’re certainly dreaming of cocks –  I don’t approve of this one. Lesbians dress like guys, or don’t dress like guys because they dress in what they think looks good. It’s nothing to do with acquiring another set of sexual organs. I mean, how many dykes do you see packing crotch padding? Exactly.

Tara Antonia

14 Feb
Tara Antonia

Tara Antonia

This is my friend Tara Antonia. Every time I look at Emma Watson, I think of how Tara does it better. Sorry ladies, she’s straight, and she’s pretty selective about who can view her Facebook, but if you REALLY want to check more of her work out, she played an angel in a cult film called Exitz and completely outshone Vicky McClure in Plan B’s video for She Said. One of my favourite things about Tara is that she is so aloof that she never even told anyone she’d be in the video.

Lindsay Lohan + Sam Ronson

13 Feb
Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson, 2008.

Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson, 2008.

Lindsay Lohan’s been back in court this week. The actress, who’s just finished up a session in rehab following a jail stint, has pleaded not guilty to the alleged crime of stealing a necklace. But as she’s still on probabtion for 2007’s DUI, she could be sent daaaan for anything up to three years. Her lawyer’s offered a plea bargain, which means she’ll say she’s guilty in order to avoid a harsh sentence. Which is the weirdest rule ever. Regardless of what happens, I really miss her acting and her and Samantha Ronson being together. How many young lesbian couples were there in the spotlight before these two started hooking up? It’s such a shame that they were hounded by paps and painted as a miserable, argumentative couple. I mean, look how glossy and beautiful their hair was.

Cynthia Nixon + Christine Marinoni

10 Feb
Cynthia Nixon and Christine Marinoni

Cynthia Nixon and Christine Marinoni

Congratulations to Sex and The City star Cynthia Nixon, who announced yesterday that girlfriend Christina Marioni had given birth to a son, Max. Looking at their hair, you can see that Christine is pretty butch. And it’s a shame that some people assume that because Cynthia’s more feminine, she would take on the female role of being pregnant. As one comment on the Daily Mail‘s boards put it:

“I always pictured Cynthia as the “woman” in the relationship. Poor baby, to grow up in such a mixed-up family.”

brosnanfan, USA, 9/2/2011 6:18

It’s such a shame that we’ve already had this argument about Elton John and David Furnish’s baby. But just to hit it home, plenty of straight families without the money to have children still have babies on purpose and by accident. On the flipside, people in same sex relationships aren’t going to have a baby by mistake, and celebrities sure are rich enough to provide financially for their children. Money doesn’t make people happy, but it certainly helps, especially when babies cost over £20,000 to raise in their first five years. I know which family I’d rather be born into.

Shandana Khan

6 Feb
Shandana Khan

Shandana Khan. Credit: Sophie Allen/TheMostCake.co.uk

I haven’t blogged in a while because it was my birthday this weekend. It was Shan’s birthday first, though. When we first met at Melt! Festival near Berlin, we thought it was so cool that our birthdays were so close together. She turned 23 on Thursday (3 Feb) and celebrated it in a drunken manner at Dalston Superstore’s Twat Boutique. Shan lost her whole bag, which contained a camera, her phone and loads of precious belongings. If anyone’s spotted the awol rucksack, please get in touch with her.

She used to be a hairdresser, now she’s doing this ultra-techy videogame degree I can’t begin to understand. Her hair’s been through all sorts of incarnations, and she spent a great deal of her time growing up in Saudi Arabia hiding it with a veil. This isn’t the most recent of photos, but her hair looks like Hitler’s these days AND she lost loads of photos of herself when she lost that camera. :(

Heads Up

1 Feb
Lesbian Hair Card

Lesbian Hair Card for DIS MAgazine

Just like Wayne’s World‘s legendary Suck-Cut showed us, hair doesn’t grow in a vacuum. Ideas don’t grow in a vacuum, either. So I must point out that this blog will serve as a continuation of the above hair card, designed by Marco Roso and Lauren Boyle, two photographers for DIS Magazine. I first read about the project to make a go-to for lesbians visiting the hairdressers in need of something other than a pixie cut in this article by Courtney Gilette on AfterEllen.com, an astounding website looking at media visibility of queer women. It pretty much got me through puberty.

[Thanks to Trish Bendix]