Tag Archives: man

Joey Essex

24 Apr
Joey Essex

Joey Essex

Until two weeks ago, I’d ignored The Only Way Is Essex. In fact, over the past half decade, I’ve ignored all of the quasi-reality shows featuring overindulged young people looked bored by their own inane conversations: The Hills, The City, Jersey ShoreLaguna Beach, everything the Kardashians have done (apart from when Kim got pissed on by Ray J – that piss was for real).

All of these shows were carved in the image of The Simple Life, but pale in comparison. TSL was astounding, not only because Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie are genuinely funny, but because they were taken out of their comfort zones, to experience life with ‘normal Americans’, who, by that very definition, weren’t normal at all. It was Louis Theroux’s Weird Weekends made more digestible for people who like to watch a wall-eyed Tippi Hedren-a-like giggle at the jokes cracked by an 22-year-old ex-heroin addict.

By the time it got to series 5, the formula was tired, and the girls’ respective DUI cases held up filming. Producers decided, then, to do away with the task of getting rich kids to relinquish their vanities and luxuries, and just stick a couple of cameras in front of some rich teenagers in their own habitats, in the hope that at some point, someone would watch. And yeah, people do watch – probably because some people are quite stupid and some people get too nailed on a Saturday night to do anything but fester in front of MTV on Sundays. The cumulative effect of these shows is that audiences now expect actors more wooden than Keanu Reeves’ erections and dialogue as complex as a cheese sandwich [see: Gossip Girl].

TOWIE, though British, and as a result, more accessible, never appealed to me. It seemed as inane as all the American stuff. But I must admit, Joey Essex is something of a wonder. At a recent work placement at a women’s weekly, I was asked to find photos of Joey at clubs. How would I do this? By trawling through every single photo taken in Essex clubs to spot him. Out of thes hordes of perma-tanned blokes decked out in pink pinstripes and beerstains, how would I identify Joey? But of course – the hair!

Most of the male attendees of Brentwood’s Sugar Hut and the like have spiked ‘dos, 2005 indie mops, slapheads, Hoxton fins (REMEMBER?) or revisions of any style John Terry’s kept his 50mg of grey matter warm with. Apart from Joey, who has a gel-free, suave bonce. It’s a perfect lesbian cut, because, well, so many lesbians have hair exactly like it. Lacking in wet-look product, it’s a man’s cut, but it is still dandified, suiting metrosexuals and lesbisexuals alike.

Boris Johnson

3 Apr
Boris Johnson

Boris Johnson

This week, Boris Johnson was on BBC Question Time to talk about how the world is going to shit. Each week on QT, there’s someone sitting in the ‘cunt chair’. The chair moves, but essentially, there’s always a cunt on the show. Be it Danny Alexander, Nick Griffin or Kelvin MacKenzie. This week, it seemed as if Boris was in the cunt chair (he was the only Conservative who didn’t look like a mouse there).

But, as much as his party’s policies are as comfortable as a lemon-juice enema, his rhetoric is astounding. He’s quick witted without trying and can dig himself out of the stickiest situations. I saw him at People’s Question Time in Camden last year and he was hilarious. The fair Mayor of London didn’t know his microphone was on throughout the meeting, so the whole hall was treated to his blustering insults, (mostly aimed at RMT union members) ‘poppycock’ ‘tosh’ ‘oh grow up’. His hair had just been cut, especially for the event – another GLA member actually mentioned this – and he kept on burying his bonce in his hands. If any other politician was seen with their head in their hands, it would be front-page news, indicative of some sort of breakdown. But when Bozza does it, it’s just him being his idiosyncratic self.

This messy style would look great lesbians’ heads. We’ve seen an intense specificity in hairstyles over the past 7 years – Emos, you have a lot to answer for. But really, what’s sexier, the person who spends hours carefully straightening, gelling, bouffing, back-combing their hair, or the person with shaggy, imperfect bed-head? The hair makes a scarily powerful buffoon look approachable. It could work for you, too.

Charlie Sheen

6 Mar
Charlie Sheen

Charlie Sheen

In case you needed reminding, Charlie Sheen’s meltdown has become incredibly public over the past two weeks. After calling a radio show to babble stuff about 9/11 and give Lindsay Lohan advice (‘learn to control your impulses’), all sorts of broadcasters and publications were knocking on the door of Charlie’s house. The ‘Sober Valley Lodge’, as he calls it, is home to himself, his two ‘goddesses’ and, until the police took them into custody, his two sons by alleged crackhead Brooke Mueller.

The frighteningly articulate actor has said some hilarious things in each of his interviews, but his infamy kind of jumped the shark when he started interacting with his fans on Twitter and playing up to what they like. He’s not really functioning on a different realm when his lowly fans can coerce him into getting a tattoo of ‘winning’ on his wrist. There’s also the small matter of that time in the 80s when he SHOT his ex, Kelly Preston. He’s also plead guilty to a whole slew of assault charges in the years since.

Such a shame Chuck’s a misogynist, because, gee…he used to make such a cute lesbian.

Justin Bieber

22 Feb
Justin Bieber. Credit: Jay DeMarcus

Justin Bieber. Credit: Jay DeMarcus

Well, it was about time. Justin Bieber’s had his floppy lego-hair ‘do switched up, heralding in a new age in lesbieban (no, not Libyan, lesbieban) relations. Instead of lesbians following Justin’s lead by sticking with dated post-emo styles, Justin ‘Sally Field’ Bieber is copying lesbians by getting himself a short back ‘n sides.

It’s arguable that lesbians in turn are copying men with their short haircuts. Expecially considering that so many people think that lesbians perform their sexuality in a masculine way because they all secretly want to be men. And although I quite like Freudian interpretations of modern life – when you dream of trains, you’re certainly dreaming of cocks –  I don’t approve of this one. Lesbians dress like guys, or don’t dress like guys because they dress in what they think looks good. It’s nothing to do with acquiring another set of sexual organs. I mean, how many dykes do you see packing crotch padding? Exactly.