Tag Archives: straight

Tilda Swinton

31 May
Tilda Swinton by Craig McDean

Tilda Swinton by Craig McDean (I know, I thought it was Bowie, too)

‘ethereal’

Okay, now I’ve got that one out of the way, we need to talk about Tilda Swinton. In the wake of Cannes’ preview screenings of We Need To Talk About Kevin, people have been fawning all over her, and there’s no wonder why.

The film is going to be sooooo great. Based on Lionel Shriver’s 2003 bestseller of the same name, the epistolary novel is an itchingly unsettling stare-out with the hideous paranoias (and realities) of parenting and being a child. Just as the great Celine Dion says, the book is for all the children in the world and all the parents in the world. That is: fucking everybody. In theory. Funnily enough, the author, Lionel Shriver, doesn’t have any children. It’s easy to see why, though, if her expectations of childrearing are signalled in the book. I’m not sure Tilda is the best person for this role: she seems too stoic, too distant. However, without giving the game away, it’s going to be easier for audience to feel safe from Kevin if his evil is not solely manifested by his nature, but attributable to his nurture/his mother. And I have a sneaking suspicion that Tilda’s not as harsh as she comes across on mainstream celluloid.

If you haven’t already art-wanked over all the Derek Jarman collaborations, you’ll recognise Tilda’s androgynous, razor-featured visage from small, yet integral parts in Hollywood fare such as The Curious Case of Benjamin and The Beach. Oh come on, you definitely know her. She’s snogged both Brad Pitt and Leonardo DiCaprio. AND she’s probably the most boyish person George Clooney will admit to snogging – as can be seen in Burn After Reading – and also won an Oscar for another performance alongside the coffee-flogging eternal bachelor, in the fantastic thriller Michael Clayton.

Her sex life is seen as controversial, because she has children with an older man and sex with a younger man and they all live happily in the same wind-whipped mansion up a hill in Scotland. But TBH, it just makes her sexier: that a woman with no obvious interpretation of femininity (just look at the hair) can fuck who she likes, is so refreshing. Even if she’s not sleeping with women, she remains a role model to any woman who is a bit of a misfit, but (unlike Gaga, who wants to paint us all as freaks and monsters), doesn’t self-identify as one.

Her hair sums it all up. Ginger or icy blonde, it’s always a perfect combination of mess and precision.

Daisy Lowe

7 Mar
Daisy Lowe

Daisy Lowe

Daisy Lowe, model and love-child of one-time gay, Gavin Rossdale, has come out and said she is a ‘mild lesbian’.

In the interview with, er, GQ, She said she’s crushing on Kelly Brook and banged on about how women have beautiful shapes.

I’m sure this doesn’t mean that she’s going to be interested in me, what with my appearance regularly causing cashiers at Tesco to call me ‘sir’, but I poked her on Facebook regardlesss. Short of a successful come-on, it’s part of a grander scheme to bring Facebook poking back. Poking is a wonderful way to annoy people/ let them know you’re keen.

Her hair isn’t lesbiany, but hey, it is the lesbian maketh the hair, not the hair which maketh the lesbian. And it’s really hot (and before you think ‘in an obvious way’, there is absolutely nothing wrong with being hot in an obvious way).

Charlie Sheen

6 Mar
Charlie Sheen

Charlie Sheen

In case you needed reminding, Charlie Sheen’s meltdown has become incredibly public over the past two weeks. After calling a radio show to babble stuff about 9/11 and give Lindsay Lohan advice (‘learn to control your impulses’), all sorts of broadcasters and publications were knocking on the door of Charlie’s house. The ‘Sober Valley Lodge’, as he calls it, is home to himself, his two ‘goddesses’ and, until the police took them into custody, his two sons by alleged crackhead Brooke Mueller.

The frighteningly articulate actor has said some hilarious things in each of his interviews, but his infamy kind of jumped the shark when he started interacting with his fans on Twitter and playing up to what they like. He’s not really functioning on a different realm when his lowly fans can coerce him into getting a tattoo of ‘winning’ on his wrist. There’s also the small matter of that time in the 80s when he SHOT his ex, Kelly Preston. He’s also plead guilty to a whole slew of assault charges in the years since.

Such a shame Chuck’s a misogynist, because, gee…he used to make such a cute lesbian.

Mary Byrne

23 Feb
Mary Byrne

Mary Byrne

I always knew there was something about The X Factor’s Mary Byrne. That, or I need more than ‘she looks a little bit like Catherine Zeta Jones’ to justify my inappropriate crush on Tesco’s finest.

The ‘something’ is that Mary had a lesbian relationship once upon a time. She told GT: “I have a lot of gay friends in Dublin and I had a relationship with a woman thirty odd years ago as well.

“I’m not gay but I came out of a bad relationship with a man and, you know, met this girl who just fit the bill at the time and we had a great relationship for a year.”

The best/only thing about Mary’s hair is her greasy fringe.

Tara Antonia

14 Feb
Tara Antonia

Tara Antonia

This is my friend Tara Antonia. Every time I look at Emma Watson, I think of how Tara does it better. Sorry ladies, she’s straight, and she’s pretty selective about who can view her Facebook, but if you REALLY want to check more of her work out, she played an angel in a cult film called Exitz and completely outshone Vicky McClure in Plan B’s video for She Said. One of my favourite things about Tara is that she is so aloof that she never even told anyone she’d be in the video.

Sarah Hicks

28 Jan
Sarah Hicks

Sarah Hicks. Credit: Dolly Alderton/Facebook

Sarah is not a lesbian, but she has lesbian hair, just like Nick Carter had lesbian hair.